I no longer have any idea how many days to my competition. I got a new phone last Friday, and no longer have a countdown app that is posted right on the main screen of my phone telling me how many days. Now I have to look it up. An extra step = Stopped counting. Sure, I could easily figure it out/look it up, this app even counts it down to the minute and second, but I've quit.. caring? I don't know if that's the word. But something in me has changed this week.
I broke down in the gym today. In front of the mirrors while I was posing. I sat down and started to cry. I felt weak, lost. I felt that I wasn't motivated. I wasn't driven. I was questioning whether I still wanted this. I questioned why I had given up so much the last 19 weeks and whether or not it was worth it. I was disappointed in my week and all the struggles came out at once. Everyone says to strive for perfection in life. But for me, for this competition, striving isn't enough. I have to be perfect. Have you ever thought about having to be perfect in so many different aspects of your life for so long? It's overwhelming, it's draining, and it's easy to want to quit. I ask myself why? And then I think about if I stepped on stage today, probably already smaller than my competition, and definitely less lean. And I would be so disappointed. I don't want to get on stage and regret all the times I messed up, every time I had more or less food than I should've. Every time I didn't give something all I had to give. I don't want to get up there and look like I haven't been preparing and working my ass off for the past 24 weeks. And that's how I felt I looked today.
I have never EVER been a person who cares about what I looked like. If you went to school with me, you'd know this. I don't care whether or not I've showered that morning, I don't care if my hair is still in the pony tail from yesterday and had been slept in. I don't care if I'm dressed up or wearing sweat pants two sizes to big or if I'm wearing makeup or not etc. Personal hygiene may be a borderline issue, but, I wasn't (I'm still not) worried about that. I never really cared what I've weighed - not even looking at a scale over the last 6 years except when I was home in Iowa - or what I've looked like, so long as I could run as far as I wanted and play any sport I wanted and basically be athletic. And now I find myself checking my weight daily, and if it's not going down or staying the same, I freak out. I find myself judging my body and picking myself apart and noticing every little thing that is not how I want it. And I hate it, but I'm having a hard time controlling it. It's hard not to get so worked up in body image when that's exactly what I'm stepping on stage for. I'm opening myself up to be judged on every aspect of my body and how I present myself and for someone to say whether or not I'm better than the person standing next to me. It sounds awful, yet it's something I want to do. And today it's been driving me nuts while I try to figure out WHY I want this.
I didn't think not having the app on my main screen of my phone was a big deal, but I'm starting to think it is. Without the constant reminder, the constant number of days to go flashing in front of my eyes, I seemed to have lost the reminder I needed to strive for perfection, to be driven and motivated, and to want to win. You might think these are all internal things, that I shouldn't need a reminder to WANT to win. You should just want that. But you don't always think of the end result. You think this one <<insert whatever it is here>> won't hurt me, but it does. And by indulging you've removed yourself farther from the goal. So I'm thinking of my goal. I'm staying motivated. I have 5 weeks to go and I'm turning over a new leaf and throwing out all the crap in my life. 5 weeks. I can do this.
Thank you to everyone I talked to today who gave me support. Thank you for being supportive the past 19 weeks and motivating me when I couldn't motivate myself. I have 5 weeks and I'm going to do my best. That's all I can ask anymore.
And if you're wondering, my competition is in 1 month 5 days 10 hours 20 min and 38 sec, or 1.1 months; 5.06 weeks; 35.43 days; 850.35 hours; 51,020.9 minutes; or 3,062,238 seconds.
5 weeks from tomorrow. 5 weeks to become my best self. Consider it done.
Showing posts with label Anne Trester. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anne Trester. Show all posts
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Half and Whole.. It's Birthday Week People!
This is going to be a great week, I can just feel it! Yesterday, there was no workout and I got an early day off work! It was such a great day, until 8:30 rolled around and I found out I was having a Bachelorette watching party (thanks Jess and CJ). That show might be the most pathetic and ridiculous thing I've ever seen.
This is also the week of birthdays. Sunday was my home girl Melissa's half birthday, and one of my very sweet and favorite "sister's" birthday, Janell. Those two are two of my very closest and favorite people I met in Kansas. Yesterday was Jesus's half birthday, and to finish of the halves, today is Nutmeg's 1/2 birthday! That's my sister's dog. Isn't he adorable?
Wednesday is Jack's birthday (my Kansas neighbor friend who moved to Greensboro), Thursday is CJ's birthday, and Friday is Meredith's birthday. Holy crap people. That's a lot of births. However, this week conveniently falls on my last week of bulking! Which also means I get another cheat meal! I think I'm going to actually have a cheat meal and not just a grilled chicken sandwich WITH the bun. Rebel, I know. But this busy week also means hello 5am gym crowd! Yay. I'm okay with this actually, I love working out in the am, I just don't like having to work after it. But whatever, I need to get back to my bed by 8:30 up by 4:30 routine. There have been too many 5am nights in my last three weeks, and it is seriously screwing me up. I was up until 11:15 last night playing Minesweeper. Really, Susie?
Workout today was great. Mere dropped my reps to 4-6 for some exercises so I can really lift as much as possible. It felt awesome, but I was a little disappointed that it fell on a week where my shoulder is aching me. The pullups I really wanted to get unassisted this week, but I had to do them with 2 plates off (less than 8# which is still awesome) because the pulling up irritated my shoulder. If I could take a week off I think it would be good, I really think it's just a little anterior impingement because the rotator cuff tendons are inflammed. It feels better each day, and now it's really just bringing it down from forward flexion or abduction that bothers me. I also have some crepitus on both shoulders (abrasive test for you PTs) which indicates an abrasion of the torn tendon margins against the coracoacromial arch. But since I have it in both shoulders, and my left isn't painful at all anymore, I'm not as concerned with that. 30 year old Susie is going to hate 24 year old me. I promise to take time off and get healed come November. Anyway:
Back and Core:
Pullups
Bentover BB Rows on the smith machine
Lat Pull downs - narrow grip
Single Arm DB Rows
V Sits
Stability Ball Crunchs + Med Ball OH
Great workout, but glad to be done. 30 days into Meredith's program and I'm feeling great. I think I have picked a competition, with her help of course, and it's in Greensboro November 3. 18 weeks from this Saturday. Wow. There is also a competition Aug 25th by the same guy in Greensboro that I'll be going to just to check it out, if anyone wants to come.
Nutrition today was also spot on. I planned out every meal this AM before eating my second meal of the day and that works so much better for me. I don't cheat, I don't consider subbing things, and I get everything in that I need. If I take it meal by meal, I tend to want to splurge on some extra fat or proteins here and there and then at the end of the day I need like 50g carbs, 0.2g fat, and a random amount of proteins that makes it so difficult to meet. This is much better for me. Organization and planning pays off people!
Well, gym time tomorrow is 5:30 am so that I can hang out with Jack for his birthday tomorrow. Can't wait but it'll be a busy day for me! Hope you all are having a great week, we're almost half way through, keep plowin through!
Oh and I wanted to give a S/O to my sister Anne for kicking ass at her leg workout yesterday! She worked them harder then anyone I know and now can't sit on the toilet or walk down stairs. Couldn't be more proud :)
This is also the week of birthdays. Sunday was my home girl Melissa's half birthday, and one of my very sweet and favorite "sister's" birthday, Janell. Those two are two of my very closest and favorite people I met in Kansas. Yesterday was Jesus's half birthday, and to finish of the halves, today is Nutmeg's 1/2 birthday! That's my sister's dog. Isn't he adorable?
He did that himself.. Talented snuggler
Workout today was great. Mere dropped my reps to 4-6 for some exercises so I can really lift as much as possible. It felt awesome, but I was a little disappointed that it fell on a week where my shoulder is aching me. The pullups I really wanted to get unassisted this week, but I had to do them with 2 plates off (less than 8# which is still awesome) because the pulling up irritated my shoulder. If I could take a week off I think it would be good, I really think it's just a little anterior impingement because the rotator cuff tendons are inflammed. It feels better each day, and now it's really just bringing it down from forward flexion or abduction that bothers me. I also have some crepitus on both shoulders (abrasive test for you PTs) which indicates an abrasion of the torn tendon margins against the coracoacromial arch. But since I have it in both shoulders, and my left isn't painful at all anymore, I'm not as concerned with that. 30 year old Susie is going to hate 24 year old me. I promise to take time off and get healed come November. Anyway:
Back and Core:
Pullups
Bentover BB Rows on the smith machine
Lat Pull downs - narrow grip
Single Arm DB Rows
V Sits
Stability Ball Crunchs + Med Ball OH
Great workout, but glad to be done. 30 days into Meredith's program and I'm feeling great. I think I have picked a competition, with her help of course, and it's in Greensboro November 3. 18 weeks from this Saturday. Wow. There is also a competition Aug 25th by the same guy in Greensboro that I'll be going to just to check it out, if anyone wants to come.
Nutrition today was also spot on. I planned out every meal this AM before eating my second meal of the day and that works so much better for me. I don't cheat, I don't consider subbing things, and I get everything in that I need. If I take it meal by meal, I tend to want to splurge on some extra fat or proteins here and there and then at the end of the day I need like 50g carbs, 0.2g fat, and a random amount of proteins that makes it so difficult to meet. This is much better for me. Organization and planning pays off people!
Well, gym time tomorrow is 5:30 am so that I can hang out with Jack for his birthday tomorrow. Can't wait but it'll be a busy day for me! Hope you all are having a great week, we're almost half way through, keep plowin through!
Oh and I wanted to give a S/O to my sister Anne for kicking ass at her leg workout yesterday! She worked them harder then anyone I know and now can't sit on the toilet or walk down stairs. Couldn't be more proud :)
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Back to Being Positive
This week has been chaotic. Why? I have no idea really. It's not like I'm actually busy. Yes, I am doing more then usual, but I think really it's just that my schedule has been thrown off. And it just takes me some time to adjust. Things are going really well here, though. I like the clinic I'm at.. except for the polos. I mean most of them are wearing polos too, so it's not that bad. But I had to wear a polo with black pants. I felt like I was going to work at McDonalds. That might have been the worst. I don't know if I will wear my new, comfy, nicely fitting, black pants again. Just because McDonald's ruined them for me. Or at least not with a polo. Who knows though. Tomorrow I only have 4 hours of work and then I'm going to a Pilate's studio with my CI (Clinical Instructor.. a PT who teaches me basically) to lead some lady through some exercises. Who knows. It's not a part of my clinical, I'm just doing it.
My workouts yesterday and today have been pretty good. It's been difficult adjusting weights, but that's just something you deal with when switching gyms in general. Whether my weight is going up or down this first week, I'm not really concerned. The main point is to just lift as heavy as possible, with good form, and work my muscles to exhaustion by the last rep. As long as I do that, Idon't care shouldn't care about how heavy the weights are. Good theory. My damn ego still gets in the way though. Whatever. Today was legs. We did both the lunges and squats on the smith machine today, and I was actually pleased with that. Lunges were much easier. Not in my quads/glutes, but I could focus on where to push and on my form more, then just wanting to quit. Typically I dread lunges just because they take SO LONG! Not that this was any faster, but it was different, and I could lift more because I didn't have to clean and press that barbell over my head, it was just already there! Magic :) But I definitely pushed more with my front heel and even kept my back foot off the ground for both the eccentric and concentric motions, and only put it down for a little balance. It was divine. So here was the day:
Squats on Smith Machine ss Squat Jumps - 3 sets
Seated HS Curls (They don't have the prone machine.. which (surprise, surprise) annoyed me) - 4 sets and a drop
Leg Press - 4 sets
Lunges on Smith Machine - 3 sets
Leg Extension - 3 sets
The leg press also was different. The one I like to do has you pushing more at an incline of 45 degrees or so, and the one at my new gym is more of a horizontal push. It felt like I didn't have as much room to get full extension and full flexion before the weights would drop down. But I eventually got the hang of it and increased weight each set, even though reps increased as well. It definitely wasn't as awesome of a feeling as pressing over 400.. but I did it and worked hard and I was basically limping out of the gym my legs were so shaky.
We are headed back to CH tomorrow after CJ is done working, so we will get to do 2 workouts this week at the SRC and Rams. Praise the Lord! I am also going to try out some new recipes this weekend, some different protein breads, and a Carob Chip Banana bread of Little B's, and a few others. I'll post the recipes that I make if they turn out to be delightful. It's also my bff from Kansas, Jack's, bday Wednesday and CJ's bday Thursday of next week, so I will be making some desserts for them (clean.. shh don't tell) and going out to celebrate while being 100% on my diet. This week I ate all of the stuff I needed to eat, but a few days had some serious cravings and would eat a tootsie roll (yes only one) after the gym. So my goal for this weekend is to be 100% and to prep all of my food again for the week, no cheating, no extras, nothing, this weekend. A few days of being good takes away all the urges of being bad. Seriously. So that's that. I think I'm going to post my meals this weekend - no lying, no leaving anything out - so you all can hold me accountable. So if you found my last nutrition post boring, check back on Monday :)
Well, I'm going to bed. Last night I stayed up until 11:30 playing minesweeper on my phone.. and I was exhausted and "rushed"... meaning I only had 2 hours between waking up and getting to work to sit around and eat as opposed to 3. I'm weird, I like my morning chill time. Whatever, you all have weirder quirks.
Catch ya on the flip side! And thanks to my AMAZING sisters for all of the support and motivation and encouragement you gave me this weekend. I love you all more then anything!
My workouts yesterday and today have been pretty good. It's been difficult adjusting weights, but that's just something you deal with when switching gyms in general. Whether my weight is going up or down this first week, I'm not really concerned. The main point is to just lift as heavy as possible, with good form, and work my muscles to exhaustion by the last rep. As long as I do that, I
Squats on Smith Machine ss Squat Jumps - 3 sets
Seated HS Curls (They don't have the prone machine.. which (surprise, surprise) annoyed me) - 4 sets and a drop
Leg Press - 4 sets
Lunges on Smith Machine - 3 sets
Leg Extension - 3 sets
The leg press also was different. The one I like to do has you pushing more at an incline of 45 degrees or so, and the one at my new gym is more of a horizontal push. It felt like I didn't have as much room to get full extension and full flexion before the weights would drop down. But I eventually got the hang of it and increased weight each set, even though reps increased as well. It definitely wasn't as awesome of a feeling as pressing over 400.. but I did it and worked hard and I was basically limping out of the gym my legs were so shaky.
We are headed back to CH tomorrow after CJ is done working, so we will get to do 2 workouts this week at the SRC and Rams. Praise the Lord! I am also going to try out some new recipes this weekend, some different protein breads, and a Carob Chip Banana bread of Little B's, and a few others. I'll post the recipes that I make if they turn out to be delightful. It's also my bff from Kansas, Jack's, bday Wednesday and CJ's bday Thursday of next week, so I will be making some desserts for them (clean.. shh don't tell) and going out to celebrate while being 100% on my diet. This week I ate all of the stuff I needed to eat, but a few days had some serious cravings and would eat a tootsie roll (yes only one) after the gym. So my goal for this weekend is to be 100% and to prep all of my food again for the week, no cheating, no extras, nothing, this weekend. A few days of being good takes away all the urges of being bad. Seriously. So that's that. I think I'm going to post my meals this weekend - no lying, no leaving anything out - so you all can hold me accountable. So if you found my last nutrition post boring, check back on Monday :)
Well, I'm going to bed. Last night I stayed up until 11:30 playing minesweeper on my phone.. and I was exhausted and "rushed"... meaning I only had 2 hours between waking up and getting to work to sit around and eat as opposed to 3. I'm weird, I like my morning chill time. Whatever, you all have weirder quirks.
Catch ya on the flip side! And thanks to my AMAZING sisters for all of the support and motivation and encouragement you gave me this weekend. I love you all more then anything!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Call Your Pops!
Stupid internal alarm clock. I didn't get to bed last night after work until 4am. What time do I wake up? 6:46am. So I go back to sleep. What time is it now? 9:12. Awesome. My mind and my body are in some sort of battle and I don't know who's side I am on. And I don't even have an actual alarm clock I use that I can throw against the wall. I supposed I could try and throw myself against a wall, that would be a sight. But I'm still exhausted, I just can't sleep. And I'm frustrated because last week my workout wasn't the greatest because I didn't get enough sleep, and I don't want a repeat of that. But at least this is the last Friday I have to stay up that late for a while. Hold on, I forgot to go put my dentures back in ...
While I was screaming at my body for waking up, I tried to roll over and get comfortable so I could fall back asleep, and my butt/hips/hamstrings decided to scream back at me. Holy crap are they sore. Guess I figured out how to push through my heel during my lunges! That and I increased weight on everything. I'm starting to have a love/hate relationship with my goal of getting a PR each day. Who am I kidding, it's all love. Being able to push and squat more and more every week, feeling the effect of working hard, if I didn't love it I probably wouldn't have ever decided to start lifting. I'm just cranky this morning. And apparently going to yawn all day ... fourth one in the last 7 minutes.
I contemplated taking a nap later on today, but I just don't think I can swing that. I also am contemplating NOT having my cheat meal today. I haven't been perfect this week. I've had some major cravings because I made those bars, had to study (I really need to eat something to be able to focus when I study), and then when I don't eat for 9 hours because of work yesterday, I end up being short on a lot of my macros. I know that I can't grow or lose weight without eating. But I'm going to draw the line at staying up past 4 just to eat 40g of chicken. So because of how shaky this week was, I don't know that I deserve it. And I'm seriously worried that if I do have something, it will either A. make me sick or B. make me want to go back to eating that junk on the regular. I'd honestly prefer A. Not like throwing up sick, but upset stomach. I want my body to hate that processed junk, I think it will be easier to eliminate those cravings and temptations if so.
So I made these phenom turkey burgers yesterday. And they only took like 10 minutes total to prep and cook them. They were so tasty. I didn't follow the recipe exactly, although I'm sure that version is good. I just didn't measure anything and I added jalepeno. It was so delicious. Try them.
I hope you all remembered that Father's Day is tomorrow. I love my dad. He seriously is the greatest guy in the world, my family is incredibly lucky to have him. He tells the funniest jokes, clearly why my sisters and I are so funny. But seriously, he has always supported me and my decisions and has always been there to help me out of a bind. I love him. This is my fam from my sister Anne's wedding this past year. See that great guy? Totally lucky :)
Alright, folks, it's gym time. I'm on my own today, so hopefully I can maintain my focus and lift the weights over my head by myself! Shoulders and Biceps. Going to own it! Work hard today, you can rest when you are dying. (You don't need to remind me how motivational I am, I know haha)
While I was screaming at my body for waking up, I tried to roll over and get comfortable so I could fall back asleep, and my butt/hips/hamstrings decided to scream back at me. Holy crap are they sore. Guess I figured out how to push through my heel during my lunges! That and I increased weight on everything. I'm starting to have a love/hate relationship with my goal of getting a PR each day. Who am I kidding, it's all love. Being able to push and squat more and more every week, feeling the effect of working hard, if I didn't love it I probably wouldn't have ever decided to start lifting. I'm just cranky this morning. And apparently going to yawn all day ... fourth one in the last 7 minutes.
I contemplated taking a nap later on today, but I just don't think I can swing that. I also am contemplating NOT having my cheat meal today. I haven't been perfect this week. I've had some major cravings because I made those bars, had to study (I really need to eat something to be able to focus when I study), and then when I don't eat for 9 hours because of work yesterday, I end up being short on a lot of my macros. I know that I can't grow or lose weight without eating. But I'm going to draw the line at staying up past 4 just to eat 40g of chicken. So because of how shaky this week was, I don't know that I deserve it. And I'm seriously worried that if I do have something, it will either A. make me sick or B. make me want to go back to eating that junk on the regular. I'd honestly prefer A. Not like throwing up sick, but upset stomach. I want my body to hate that processed junk, I think it will be easier to eliminate those cravings and temptations if so.
So I made these phenom turkey burgers yesterday. And they only took like 10 minutes total to prep and cook them. They were so tasty. I didn't follow the recipe exactly, although I'm sure that version is good. I just didn't measure anything and I added jalepeno. It was so delicious. Try them.
I hope you all remembered that Father's Day is tomorrow. I love my dad. He seriously is the greatest guy in the world, my family is incredibly lucky to have him. He tells the funniest jokes, clearly why my sisters and I are so funny. But seriously, he has always supported me and my decisions and has always been there to help me out of a bind. I love him. This is my fam from my sister Anne's wedding this past year. See that great guy? Totally lucky :)
Friday, May 18, 2012
Last Day
Today has just been one of those days. We have Fridays completely off, so you think I'd get everything taken care of today, right? Wrong. I wake up at 7:45 and proceed to lay around bed just playing minesweeper on my phone until 8:45am. Then I finally get out of bed, make breakfast - which was a delicious combination of eggs and everything in my fridge - and before you know it, it's 10 AKA prime sun time. So instead of going to the gym, doing homework, studying, I pack a bag and head to the pool. My bronze needed work and I was overwhelmed. Planned on leaving by 12:30, stayed until almost 2:30, and I have a nice red tan line across my neck as proof. Awesome.
I then had to watch the final episode of Grey's and (Possible Spoiler Alert!) boy was I disappointed! Not by the death, but by the ending. No one finds them? Seriously? Bad ending.. and are any of them even going to be surgeons anymore? You would think they would just add on 3-4 episodes and make this the final season since supposedly everyone's leaving. Oh well.
I was just about to head to the gym, when my best friend Melissa skyped me from Paris. She's been there all year, was supposed to come back by now, but instead is staying at least until August.. or whenever her Visa expires. It was 10 pm there.. and she was drunk. It was great. So, I didn't get my workout in because I am now on my way to dinner and the movie The Dictator with some new friends.
I just got a message back from Meredith about competing, and am super excited. She said (which I expected) that I need to build up my delts and back since I have a short thick torso to give it more of a V-taper. She thinks I need about 6 weeks to work on my upper body and then 16 weeks to focus on my diet, so that will put me around late October, early November for a competition. Yikes that's coming up quick. So today is the last day for cheat meals and from here on out I'm going to be 100% with my nutrition. I'll start posting my meals to give y'all an idea of what I'm doing. Wish me luck!
Before I go, though, I thought I'd clue you in to some huge food dilemmas I've been having lately. First, the mystery between cherry and grape tomatoes is this: one is shaped more round like a cherry, and one is shaped more oval like a grape. Guess which is which. This gem of information was given to me by my wonderful sister Anne. Second, a frozen banana may sound like a good addition to your PWO smoothies, BUT they are difficult to peel. So I'm thinking maybe peel them before you freeze them.. or just don't freeze them and add ice cubes.
I then had to watch the final episode of Grey's and (Possible Spoiler Alert!) boy was I disappointed! Not by the death, but by the ending. No one finds them? Seriously? Bad ending.. and are any of them even going to be surgeons anymore? You would think they would just add on 3-4 episodes and make this the final season since supposedly everyone's leaving. Oh well.
I was just about to head to the gym, when my best friend Melissa skyped me from Paris. She's been there all year, was supposed to come back by now, but instead is staying at least until August.. or whenever her Visa expires. It was 10 pm there.. and she was drunk. It was great. So, I didn't get my workout in because I am now on my way to dinner and the movie The Dictator with some new friends.
I just got a message back from Meredith about competing, and am super excited. She said (which I expected) that I need to build up my delts and back since I have a short thick torso to give it more of a V-taper. She thinks I need about 6 weeks to work on my upper body and then 16 weeks to focus on my diet, so that will put me around late October, early November for a competition. Yikes that's coming up quick. So today is the last day for cheat meals and from here on out I'm going to be 100% with my nutrition. I'll start posting my meals to give y'all an idea of what I'm doing. Wish me luck!
Before I go, though, I thought I'd clue you in to some huge food dilemmas I've been having lately. First, the mystery between cherry and grape tomatoes is this: one is shaped more round like a cherry, and one is shaped more oval like a grape. Guess which is which. This gem of information was given to me by my wonderful sister Anne. Second, a frozen banana may sound like a good addition to your PWO smoothies, BUT they are difficult to peel. So I'm thinking maybe peel them before you freeze them.. or just don't freeze them and add ice cubes.
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