Lost Count and Losing Control

I no longer have any idea how many days to my competition. I got a new phone last Friday, and no longer have a countdown app that is posted right on the main screen of my phone telling me how many days. Now I have to look it up. An extra step = Stopped counting. Sure, I could easily figure it out/look it up, this app even counts it down to the minute and second, but I've quit.. caring? I don't know if that's the word. But something in me has changed this week.

I broke down in the gym today. In front of the mirrors while I was posing. I sat down and started to cry. I felt weak, lost. I felt that I wasn't motivated. I wasn't driven. I was questioning whether I still wanted this. I questioned why I had given up so much the last 19 weeks and whether or not it was worth it. I was disappointed in my week and all the struggles came out at once. Everyone says to strive for perfection in life. But for me, for this competition, striving isn't enough. I have to be perfect. Have you ever thought about having to be perfect in so many different aspects of your life for so long? It's overwhelming, it's draining, and it's easy to want to quit. I ask myself why? And then I think about if I stepped on stage today, probably already smaller than my competition, and definitely less lean. And I would be so disappointed. I don't want to get on stage and regret all the times I messed up, every time I had more or less food than I should've. Every time I didn't give something all I had to give. I don't want to get up there and look like I haven't been preparing and working my ass off for the past 24 weeks. And that's how I felt I looked today.

I have never EVER been a person who cares about what I looked like. If you went to school with me, you'd know this. I don't care whether or not I've showered that morning, I don't care if my hair is still in the pony tail from yesterday and had been slept in. I don't care if I'm dressed up or wearing sweat pants two sizes to big or if I'm wearing makeup or not etc. Personal hygiene may be a borderline issue, but, I wasn't (I'm still not) worried about that. I never really cared what I've weighed - not even looking at a scale over the last 6 years except when I was home in Iowa - or what I've looked like, so long as I could run as far as I wanted and play any sport I wanted and basically be athletic. And now I find myself checking my weight daily, and if it's not going down or staying the same, I freak out. I find myself judging my body and picking myself apart and noticing every little thing that is not how I want it. And I hate it, but I'm having a hard time controlling it. It's hard not to get so worked up in body image when that's exactly what I'm stepping on stage for. I'm opening myself up to be judged on every aspect of my body and how I present myself and for someone to say whether or not I'm better than the person standing next to me. It sounds awful, yet it's something I want to do. And today it's been driving me nuts while I try to figure out WHY I want this.

I didn't think not having the app on my main screen of my phone was a big deal, but I'm starting to think it is. Without the constant reminder, the constant number of days to go flashing in front of my eyes, I seemed to have lost the reminder I needed to strive for perfection, to be driven and motivated, and to want to win. You might think these are all internal things, that I shouldn't need a reminder to WANT to win. You should just want that. But you don't always think of the end result. You think this one <<insert whatever it is here>> won't hurt me, but it does. And by indulging you've removed yourself farther from the goal. So I'm thinking of my goal. I'm staying motivated. I have 5 weeks to go and I'm turning over a new leaf and throwing out all the crap in my life. 5 weeks. I can do this.

Thank you to everyone I talked to today who gave me support. Thank you for being supportive the past 19 weeks and motivating me when I couldn't motivate myself. I have 5 weeks and I'm going to do my best. That's all I can ask anymore.

And if you're wondering, my competition is in 1 month 5 days 10 hours 20 min and 38 sec, or 1.1 months; 5.06 weeks; 35.43 days; 850.35 hours; 51,020.9 minutes; or 3,062,238 seconds.

5 weeks from tomorrow. 5 weeks to become my best self. Consider it done.

81 Days: Frustration Boils Over

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with myself and it's a hard pill to swallow. Sure I could point fingers and place blame elsewhere, My friends had a wedding and it wasn't buffet style so I didn't have an option what to eat, my dad wants to go out to eat to spend time with me, my friends want to go out and socialize because we haven't seen each other in about a year. It's not my fault my nutrition hasn't been spot on, I'm on vacation, it's not my house, I can't control what I put in my mouth. Wait.. what? It's 100% my fault. And that is difficult to admit. Now don't think I've gone balls to the walls with my diet. I haven't drank, I haven't been eating crap all day. I just haven't been PERFECT. And I know, you should strive for progress, not perfection.. but when I have such a specific goal and body I am training for, and when I have a specific date I need to get there by, progress isn't good enough. In fact, this isn't progress, I was being perfect, this is a step backwards. My meals will be perfect, there will just be some THING every day that is throwing the perfection off. Like yesterday, I ate too many almonds and my fats were too high. The day before, I had a cinnamon roll because my dad bought them as a nice surprise and I felt guilty not eating one (and let's be honest, I wanted it and it was a moment of weakness). But then Sunday and Monday morning, I FELT LIKE CRAP. My stomach hurt, I was gassy, and just felt lazy and guilty and it was awful. And it just made me crave more! If you are eating something that truly satisfies you, you shouldn't crave MORE FOOD after you eat it. You should feel content. I've been weak and need to bring my goals to the front of my mind. So the rest of this week, my posts will be purely motivational-encouraging-and all about achieving dreams, because that's what I'm setting out to do.

Your mind is a big factor in achieving your goals. It's typically not that people - including me right now - lack motivation. Motivation is wanting to do something, talking about it, seeking help, writing down your goals and plans. Your mind encourages motivation. What most people need, what I've been needing this week, is follow-through. You have a goal, you have something you want to do. You tell yourself you are going to the gym at 5:30 am, you tell yourself you are going eat perfectly today... and then you don't. Your mind gets in the way. It tells you, I'm too tired, I won't get a good workout this early anyway, I'll go later. This cookie isn't going to throw the whole day off. If I don't hit my numbers, I'll just do it tomorrow. No. Don't give in. Don't lose the battle to yourself. I'm sure you've all seen those motivational pictures on facebook that say Your biggest enemy is yourself. Well, it's 100% true. If someone else tells you you can't do something, it motivates you to do it. People are competitive by nature and want to prove nay-sayers wrong. But when that nay-sayer is yourself? It's hard not to give in and believe yourself. But don't give in. Get to the gym before your mind knows what you are doing. Start cooking before your mind can tell you you'd rather have Chipotle. Don't think about it as giving something up, about the things you can't do, the things you can't eat. Think instead about the things this lifestyle gives you and the joy the success brings. When your mind changes, so will your body.

If you believe enough in the process and end result, success will come to you. You just have to see it through. Jump in head first and start swimming. Be dedicated. Work hard. And you will be good at what you are going for. Take it as far as your imagination holds. Dedicate every breath to that goal. Be the absolute best, and don't settle for any reason.

Now, I'm off to the gym for my second workout of the week. Bis, Tris, and Core .. and I will be sore tomorrow.

Motivation For Those Bad Days

Today has been shit. I've been cranky all day, until now. And I'm sure it is because I was not getting enough food this morning/afternoon. EVERYTHING annoyed me. Stupid comments people made annoyed me. Thinking about a test I have Thursday annoyed me. Spending one more minute on a group project annoyed me. Even going to the gym, I started off with pull-ups and lat pull-downs and was just having an off day, wasn't getting as much strength and power as usual, and that annoyed me. It threw off everything I tried to do. So instead of bitching and complaining of everything and everyone that got to me today, I came home and searched for some inspiration. Some motivation to let me know that, yes, we all have bad days but you know what, tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be better. I can do it. I gave it my all. And that's all that matters at the end of the day.

So here's what I found. Some I got from movie quotes, some from famous people, and some I added to finish off the thoughts I thought were incomplete or just needed a little Susie to 'em. Hope this helps get you going.

Inch by inch, play by play, until we're finished. We're in hell right now, gentleman, believe me. And we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell. One inch at a time...When you add up all those inches, that's going to make the difference between winning and losing, winning and dying. I'll tell you this, in any fight, it's the guy who's willing to die who's going to win that inch. 

 -Tony D'Amato from Any Given Sunday (http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0009155/quotes)

There's a certain delusional quality that all successful people have to have.  You have the belief that I'm going to do something different then has ever been done before. They have this idea that they aren't going to be told what to do, because they know where they're going. And you always hear the saying be realistic. Well, realism and success are on two different ends of the spectrum. You're always told in life that things of grand accomplishment are unrealistic. But the people who actually act to prove things are realistic, are the successful people. Being realistic is the most common road to mediocrity.

The separation of talent and skill is one of the greatest misunderstood concepts. Talent you have naturally, but skill is only developed after hours and hours of beating on your craft. Anyone who got to where they were, not only has talent, but skill is the overwhelming factor in what got them to where they are. While the other guy's sleeping, I'm working. While the other guy's eating, I'm working. No matter how talented you are, your talent is going to fail you if you're not skilled. Delay gratification and take it one day at a time.

You may have more talent then me, you might be smarter then me, but if we get on the treadmill together, there's two things. either you get off first, or I'm going to die. It's really that simple. -Will Smith

You don't start off trying to build a wall. You don't say I'm going to build the biggest, baddest wall. You start off with a brick. You say I'm going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid. And you do this every single day, and soon enough you have a wall. -Will Smith

Will Smith's stuff came from this little video clip (http://www.smart-goals-guide.com/actor-will-smith-video.html).

There's no need to have a plan b because it distracts from plan a. - No idea

In order to get to 1,000, you need a thousand 1's. Now each 1 seems insignificant in terms of what it represents, but you need each 1 to add up to 1,000. Now, you make think to yourself, it's okay to miss my workout today, because I worked out yesterday. Or it's okay if I don't read the Wall Street Journal today, one day's not going to kill me. But one day missed of practice takes one day longer to get better. And it's the idea of understanding that each day is the opportunity to build and carry out a task to reach that goal or that idea that you want to reach. Put in the hours and hours every single day on every activity and every task that's going to get you to be the person you want to be. How are you going to act on your dream? On your accomplishments?

If you need motivation listen to this http://8tracks.com/thedjraz/motivation-speeches . (this is a great website to get playlists fyi) Actually, listen to that all the time. It pumps me up, it makes you want to work hard and succeed. One thing I've realized, though, is that wanting something isn't enough. You can't just want to be the best and you can't just want to get all A's or want to get 1st place. You have to work your ass off for it. You have to go out and do something to earn that. Do you want it bad enough that you are going to sacrifice pizza? Ice cream? Beer?! Maybe. But prove it to yourself. Sacrifice leads to success, without sacrifice, the best you can hope for is to be average. To be like everyone else. And my problem with being like everyone else? Well, everyone else just sucks.

How do you start your day each morning? Do you angrily smash your alarm clock to pieces and roll out of bed in exhaustion, dreading what you do each day? Or do you jump up, well rested because you went to bed before 11 pm like you know you should, and get excited to tackle another day doing what you love?

Do you blindly find the coffee from the cupboard because you aren't able to function without caffeine? Is that what it takes to wake up in the morning and feel alive?

What about your workouts? Do you focus on big, compound lifts? Do you keep a detailed log and track your progress week after week? Do you stick with a program longer than a week? When it comes to cardio, do you hop on the elliptical while reading a mindless magazine, or do you find the biggest hill or stadiums, and sprint up there until you can see your heart beating through your t shirt?

There's always an easy way out. You can always live a life of mediocrity and unhappiness and do what everyone else does. Or you can choose to not be like everyone else. And you can choose to be unique. It takes too much energy to be jealous of someone else--their life, their job, their abs, whatever. It's a better idea to use that energy and focus it on bettering your own life.

And by the way, I hit my nutrients again today, even though I started really off. So even when you are starting to have a bad day, take a step back, and know that you can turn it around. That's all friends.