I no longer have any idea how many days to my competition. I got a new phone last Friday, and no longer have a countdown app that is posted right on the main screen of my phone telling me how many days. Now I have to look it up. An extra step = Stopped counting. Sure, I could easily figure it out/look it up, this app even counts it down to the minute and second, but I've quit.. caring? I don't know if that's the word. But something in me has changed this week.
I broke down in the gym today. In front of the mirrors while I was posing. I sat down and started to cry. I felt weak, lost. I felt that I wasn't motivated. I wasn't driven. I was questioning whether I still wanted this. I questioned why I had given up so much the last 19 weeks and whether or not it was worth it. I was disappointed in my week and all the struggles came out at once. Everyone says to strive for perfection in life. But for me, for this competition, striving isn't enough. I have to be perfect. Have you ever thought about having to be perfect in so many different aspects of your life for so long? It's overwhelming, it's draining, and it's easy to want to quit. I ask myself why? And then I think about if I stepped on stage today, probably already smaller than my competition, and definitely less lean. And I would be so disappointed. I don't want to get on stage and regret all the times I messed up, every time I had more or less food than I should've. Every time I didn't give something all I had to give. I don't want to get up there and look like I haven't been preparing and working my ass off for the past 24 weeks. And that's how I felt I looked today.
I have never EVER been a person who cares about what I looked like. If you went to school with me, you'd know this. I don't care whether or not I've showered that morning, I don't care if my hair is still in the pony tail from yesterday and had been slept in. I don't care if I'm dressed up or wearing sweat pants two sizes to big or if I'm wearing makeup or not etc. Personal hygiene may be a borderline issue, but, I wasn't (I'm still not) worried about that. I never really cared what I've weighed - not even looking at a scale over the last 6 years except when I was home in Iowa - or what I've looked like, so long as I could run as far as I wanted and play any sport I wanted and basically be athletic. And now I find myself checking my weight daily, and if it's not going down or staying the same, I freak out. I find myself judging my body and picking myself apart and noticing every little thing that is not how I want it. And I hate it, but I'm having a hard time controlling it. It's hard not to get so worked up in body image when that's exactly what I'm stepping on stage for. I'm opening myself up to be judged on every aspect of my body and how I present myself and for someone to say whether or not I'm better than the person standing next to me. It sounds awful, yet it's something I want to do. And today it's been driving me nuts while I try to figure out WHY I want this.
I didn't think not having the app on my main screen of my phone was a big deal, but I'm starting to think it is. Without the constant reminder, the constant number of days to go flashing in front of my eyes, I seemed to have lost the reminder I needed to strive for perfection, to be driven and motivated, and to want to win. You might think these are all internal things, that I shouldn't need a reminder to WANT to win. You should just want that. But you don't always think of the end result. You think this one <<insert whatever it is here>> won't hurt me, but it does. And by indulging you've removed yourself farther from the goal. So I'm thinking of my goal. I'm staying motivated. I have 5 weeks to go and I'm turning over a new leaf and throwing out all the crap in my life. 5 weeks. I can do this.
Thank you to everyone I talked to today who gave me support. Thank you for being supportive the past 19 weeks and motivating me when I couldn't motivate myself. I have 5 weeks and I'm going to do my best. That's all I can ask anymore.
And if you're wondering, my competition is in 1 month 5 days 10 hours 20 min and 38 sec, or 1.1 months; 5.06 weeks; 35.43 days; 850.35 hours; 51,020.9 minutes; or 3,062,238 seconds.
5 weeks from tomorrow. 5 weeks to become my best self. Consider it done.
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